Harry Potter in 17 Minutes!
by Da Phoenix 13
Summary: Everyone's favorite factually inaccurate, Cliffs Notes type parody series is back... this time with Harry Potter! R&R!
1. Sorcerer's Stone

_Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Which I think all of you realize._

* * *

Vernon: Sup everyone? We're normal! 

Petunia: Yup. Normal normal normal.

J.K. Rowling: Well, who wants to read about _that?!_ Bo-ring!

Dumbledore: McGonagall, Hagrid, let's leave orphaned baby Harry here with the Dursleys!

McGonagall: I dunno, my child abuse senses are tingling…

Hagrid: Nonsense! Dumbledore knows what he's doing! NEVER QUESTION ALBUS DUMBLEDORE IN FRONT OF ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (turns her into a cat)

McGonagall: (changes back) Nice try, but I can do that on my own.

Dumbledore: Whatever. Foreshadowing foreshadowing foreshadowing!!!!! (they all leave)

Baby Harry: (foreseeing decades of child abuse) Um… help?

---

(ten years later)

Vernon: Child abuse!

Harry: I wish _someone_ had seen this coming!

Petunia: Happy birthday Dudleykins! Let's go to the zoo to look at creepy smelly reptiles!

Dudley: Yaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!!

(at the zoo)

Harry: Aw maaaaan, I'm bored. Sup, snake?

Snake: Sssssforeshadowing!

Vernon: Man, you are one creepy nephew. I'ma stuff you in the cupboard under the stairs!

Harry: (swearing) Aw, c_hild abuse!_

---

Letters: (start stalking Harry)

Vernon: Well, that's creepy. Come on family and weird nephew, let's go on a road trip!

Letters: (follow them)

Harry: I bet the letters are MAAAAAAGICAL!!

Petunia: Yeah, probab- I mean, there's no such thing as magic! And you're definitely not a wizard!

Hagrid: (breaks down the door) You are SUCH a liar.

Harry: (gasp) OMG it's my dream come true! A big hairy giant has come to rescue me from my abusive relatives!

Hagrid: You betcha! Now listen up: blah blah backstory blah blah blah Voldemort blah killed blah blah your parents blah blah magic school blah fun times blah.

Harry: Huzzah! (leaves with Hagrid)

---

Hagrid: Diagon Alley is awesome! You can get all your magic stuff here!

Harry: (gets all his magic stuff)

Ollivander: I might be evil, or maybe just a child molester. Either way, you should be creeped out by me.

Harry: (is creeped out)

Hagrid: (sniffle) Such an obedient little boy!

Harry: Don't get used to it, I'm just getting all the obedience out of my system.

Hagrid: (gets Sorcerer's- I mean, _mysterious package_ from vault) Don't tell anyone about this, ya heard?

Harry: (not listening) OMG I got an owl! Yay me! (hugs Hedwig)

---

Harry: Mkay, now I just got to find the mysterious magical train to take me to the mysterious magical school!

Mrs. Weasley: (talking at the top of her lungs) OMG MAGIC IS SO AWESOME! LOOK AT ALL THE SILLY MUGGLES! I'M SO GLAD THAT WE'RE WIZARDS!!! Y'ALL READY TO GO TO MAGIC SCHOOL?!

Kids: Yep!

Harry: (whips head) OMG, six redheads in the same family?!? They must be magical! (stalks them)

Mrs. Weasley: I've got to introduce the readers to my crapload of kids! OK Percy, go 'head! (Percy vanishes) Now you, Fred and George!

Fred and George: We're the comic relief! (vanish)

Harry: OI! How does that keep happening?!

Mrs. Weasley: Oh hello, little stalker boy! Just run into that wall to get to platform 9 and ¾!

Ron: Don't worry, it doesn't hurt! I run into walls all the time at home!

Ginny: No wonder you're so brain damaged then…

Harry: (runs at solid brick wall and somehow passes through it) OMG, guess I really am magic!

Ron: (on train) Hey, mind if I sit with you?

Harry: Please do! I'M SO LONELY!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: Wow, you're creepy. (sees scar) But since you're famous, I'm ok with that!

Harry: OMG WTF I'M FAMOUS?!?!?

Ron: Yeah… (Scabbers pokes his nose out of Ron's pocket) Oh, dis here my pet rat!

Scabbers: FORESHADOWING!!!!

Harry: So… you have a lot of brothers.

Ron: (darkens) Yes… yes I do. So everyone expects me to be the Head Boy Quidditch Captain Perfect Grade-Getter Comic Relief Twins!!

Harry: Sucks. …Wait, they expect you to be twins?

Ron: Yeah. (youngest child ANGST)

Hermione: (pops in) Hi boys!

Ron: Go away, you girl! (Hermione leaves) Cooties… (shudders)

Harry: (ignores the fact that they're already destined to be together)

---

McGonagall: Mkay kids, you have to try on the sorting hat to see what House you're supposed to be in! (reads) Harry Potter- OMG HARRY!!! You survived the Dursleys!!!!!!

Harry: Yeah, thanks for nothing! (puts on hat)

Sorting Hat: I think you're a Slytherin. Green is SOOO your color, honey!

Harry: Really? I've always been partial to red though…

Sorting Hat: Fine. Gryffindor it is!!

Ron: Yay, that's with me and my crapload of brothers!! Now we can be BFFs!!

Harry: Sweet!

Dumbledore: Hi guys! I bet you're a-yearnin' for some learnin'! But first… blah blah foreshadowing blah!!!!!!!

Snape: (glares at Harry)

Scar: (hurts)

Readers: OMG he must be evil!!!! (all hate Snape)

---

Malfoy: I am destined to be your ENEMY!!!!

Harry: Mkay! I hate you Malfoy, you're scum!

Harry/Malfoy shippers: OMG THEY'RE SO CANON!!!

Neville: I am sweet and loveable. I have a remembrall!

Malfoy: (steals Neville's remembrall)

Harry: Oh no he DI'INT!!!!!! (hops on broom to get it back)

McGonagall: (running up) OMG HARRY!!!!!!!!

Harry: (hangs head)

McGonagall: You're like the Quidditch guru! I'ma put you on the Quidditch team!!

Harry: Mkay! …wait, what's Quidditch?

---

Malfoy: Let's have a duel in the middle of the night!

Harry: Mkay! (drags Ron, Hermione, and Neville with him)

Malfoy: (has tricked them all)

Filch: Where's that Potter boy?!?

Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! (runs away screaming)

Ron: Quick, in here! (opens door to Fluffy's room)

Fluffy: Don't you kids ever knock?

Kids: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (run away screaming and somehow don't get caught by Filch)

Fluffy: (calling after them) FORESHADOWING!!!!!!

---

Quirrell: Happy Halloween, kids. We're all going to die!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: Oh noes! Hermione's not here! I bet she's in the bathroom cornered by the troll! Let's go! (sprints down the hallway toward the girls' bathroom)

Harry: What happened to the cooties? (follows)

Troll: Grrr. Rawr.

Hermione: OMG SAVE ME RON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron: Mkay! (levitates club and knocks out troll) Yay me, I did something right!!!! (dances in celebration)

Hermione: Thanks for saving my life guys! Can I be your BFF now?

Harry: (begrudgingly) I guess so…

Neville: (in background) When do _I_ get to be your BFF, huh?!?

Harry: How about half past NEVER? (mutters) loser…

---

Oliver: OK guys, it's Quidditch time!

Harry: _Will someone please explain to me what Quidditch is?!?_

Angelina: No time! (the game starts)

Nimbus 2000: (is going crazy)

Harry: (tries to not die) OMG, shiny thing! (follows)

Snitch: (gets almost swallowed by Harry)

Harry: Yay me, I won the match! (gets lifted on crowd's shoulders)

Snitch: Foreshadowing!

Hermione: OMG Harry! I saw Snape staring at you during the match! He must have made your broom go cuckoo bananas! (beams, proud of her smart deduction)

Hagrid: Yay Harry! Nicholas Flamel would be so proud of you for winning the match!

Harry: Hooray! …wait, who's Nicholas Flamel?

Hagrid: ………… no one…… (runs away)

---

Ron: Happy Christmas Harry! Bollocks!

Harry: Bloody hell, Happy Christmas yourself, you barmy codger!

American readers: Haha, they're so British!

Note: Dear Harry, Here's your dad's old invisibility cloak 'n' stuff. Use it well, foreshadowing foreshadowing! Love, Dumbledore- I mean a secret admirer.

Ron: Cool beans, a cloak that turns you invisible! You can sneak into the girls' locker room! ;)

Harry: Or the LIBRARY!!!!

Ron: And you wonder why everyone thinks you're gay…

---

Harry: (wanders through the library after midnight) Hey, a book. (opens)

Book: (happy music plays) Once upon a time there were three pretty pink ponies who lived in Rainbowvillle. And they pranced and pranced and pran-

Harry: OMG IT BURNS!!!!!!!!!!! (runs away)

Mirror of Erised: (is shiny)

Harry: Preeeeetty… (is entranced)

Harry's Family: (waves)

Ron: (walks in) Bloody hell, it's me snogging Hermione! … I mean, me with the Quidditch Cup.

Harry: (holding mirror possessively) It's mine! My precious! Leave us alone!!! (Ron leaves)

Dumbledore: Get over yourself, Harry. I'm cutting you off and taking the mirror away tomorrow.

Harry: (scoff) Oh FINE. …Hey Professor, what do you see in the mirror?

Dumbledore: Well, certainly not GRINDELWALD!!!

Harry: …

---

Hermione: Sup guys? Did you find out who Nicholas Flamel is? 'Cause I did!!!!

Ron: Good for you. So who is he then?

Hermione: (dramatically) He made the SORCERER'S STONE!!!!

Harry: So _that's_ why this book is called _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone!_

Ron: But… but I thought it was called _Ron Weasley and His __Supercool__ Awesome Adventures! _

Hermione: Who'd read _that?_ (Ron cries)

Neville: (pops up) Isn't it the _Philosopher's_ Stone, though?

Harry: No, Da Phoenix is American. Now go away! (Neville leaves sadly) And what does the Sorcerer's Stone have to do with _Quidditch?!?_ Whatever.

---

(Quirrell and Snape go off to the woods)

Harry: I'd better follow them… eavesdrop eavesdrop.

Snape: Threaten threaten, poke poke poke.

Quirrell: Whimper whimper whimper!

Harry: Gasp! Snape is UP TO NO GOOD! I'd better be nice to Quirrell. (is pleased with his logic)

---

Hagrid: You kids want to see my dragon?

Hermione: OMG, child molester!

Norbert: (is an actual dragon)

Malfoy: OMG, a dragon! (runs off to tattle)

Harry: Don't worry, we'll give Norbert to one of Ron's many brothers!

Charlie: (takes Norbert)

Harry and Hermione: Ha ha, pwnd, Malfoy! (high-five)

Filch: Bus-ted! (gives them detention, sees Neville) Longbottom! Detention!

Neville: But I was just walking around in the baaackground! (pouts)

Hagrid: Way to go getting caught, guys. Oh well. Let's look for a dead unicorn!

Harry: Annnd this was the moment when my childhood died.

Hooded figure: (is menacing)

Firenze: Oh no you di'int! (saves Harry by scaring it away with his ugly mug)

Harry: Wait, isn't this supposed to be a parody of the _books_?

Da Phoenix: Oh right. (changes "ugly mug" to "spectacular bod")

Firenze: But how does my spectacular bod scare away the hooded figure?

Da Phoenix: Intimidation?... Don't question me, just keep going!

Firenze: Fine. Harry, blah blah blah Mars is bright tonight.

Harry: Oooooookeeeeayyyyy…

Firenze: Foreshadowing!

---

Ron: Soooo the scary hooded figure was Voldemort?

Harry: Yeah, and he wants to kill me. (eleven-year-old ANGST)

Hermione: Well, he won't do anything with Dumbledore around!

Dumbledore: I'm going to Vegas this weekend, everyone! Cya! (leaves)

Harry: OH NOES!! Snape's going to get the Sorcerer's Stone now!!!!

Ron: To the trapdoor! (all march off heroically)

Neville: (gets in the way) Let me come too you guys!

Trio: No WAY!!! (knock him unconscious)

---

Fluffy: Oh maaaan, it's you guys again. Didn't I tell you kids to knock?

Harry: (presses PLAY on a boombox)

Boombox: This is why I'm HOT! This is why I'm HOT! This is why, this is why, this is why I'm HOT!

Fluffy: (passes out)

Harry: Sweet!

(they all jump through the trapdoor)

Hermione: OMG you guys, a deadly plant!!!! (burns)

Devil's Snare: Foreshadowiiiiiiing… (shrivels)

Ron: Thanks, girl-type person! (sees flying keys) OMG, flying keys!

(he and Hermione look pointedly at Harry)

Harry: What do you want _me_ to do about it?

Hermione: Well, you DO play Quidditch…

Harry: What's Quidditch? (sees the right key) OMG, shiny! (catches)

Hermione: Yay! …OMG, a giant chess board!!

Ron: Good thing I'm a genius chess player!

Hermione: ………………………….you ARE?!?!?!?

Ron: Don't doubt my smartness!

(OMG they're so close to winning)

Ron: Well, crap. I'm going to sacrifice myself so you can win the stupid chess game.

Harry: NOOOOOOOOOOO well ok. Do what you gotta do.

White Queen: Foreshadowing?

J.K. Rowling: Not this time!

(now they win)

Hermione: OMG, poison bottles!

Harry: This is a smart person thing, isn't it? I'm so lucky I chose you and not Neville to be my second BFF!

Hermione: Yes. Yes you are. (gets Harry through the fire)

---

Harry: (sees figure in front of the Mirror of Erised) GTFO, Snape!

Quirrell: (is not Snape)

Harry: OMG WTF QUIRRELL?!?!?

Quirrell: Mwahahaha, it's me! I'm evil! I have Voldemort on the back of my head!

Voldemort: (is under Quirrell's sketchy turban)

Harry: Well, that explains the smell and the poor fashion sense…

Voldemort: Give me the Sorcerer's Stone!!

Harry: (whines) But I don't haaaave it…

Mirror of Erised: (somehow gives Harry the Stone)

Harry: Oh, now I do! I'll never give in to you, Voldemort! You killed my father!

Voldemort: No, Harry. I _am_ your father!

Harry: NOOOOOOOO wait. That's been done already.

Voldemort: You're right. I was just foolin'. Now gimme the Stone!

Harry: No!

Voldemort: Gimme the Stone!

Harry: No!

Voldemort: Gimme the Stone!

Harry: No!

Voldemort: _Gimme__ the Stone!_

Harry: _N__ooooooooooooooo__o!!!!!!!_ (grabs Quirrell's face)

Quirrell: No, not my face!!! (gets burned)

Harry: Haha, burnnnnnn!! (randomly passes out)

---

Dumbledore: (in the hospital) Harry, WTF? I'm missing my nickel slots because of you!

Harry: Dumbledore!! (hugs)

Dumbledore: (pushes away) Yeah, I'm _gay_, not a pedophile. So what's up?

Harry: Well, it all started…

Dumbledore: Yeah, I'm bored already. Listen up, the Stone's been destroyed and you killed Quirrell. Way to go!

Harry: OMG Snape's evil! How could he not have Voldemort on the back of his head?!

Dumbledore: First of all, no he's not. He's a cool guy once you get past the bad hygiene and hatred of all people. He saved yo' LYFE, fool! …Plus he looks bad in a turban.

Harry: Whatever. But what about NICHOLAS FLAMEL?!?!?

Dumbledore: Yeah, he dead. But death isn't so bad, foreshadowing foreshadowing.

Harry: Cool cool. So tell me something honestly… why'd Voldemort want to kill me? And what's up with this scar hurting whenever he's around…

Dumbledore: Oh, look at the time! (bolt)

---

Harry: Aw maaan. Gryffindor didn't win the house cup _again._

Gryffindors: (are sad)

Slytherins: (party boy Snape)

Dumbledore: Not so fast! Hermione, you get 50 points for being able to read. Ron, you get 50 points for being stupid enough to put up with Harry's whining day in and day out. And Harry, you get 60 points for being the story's protagonist- I mean, blah blah love blah friendship and courage blah blah blah.

Neville: (whining) But what about MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!?

Dumbledore: (sigh) Oh FINE. It takes true friendship to let your friends knock you out and leave you paralyzed in the middle of a room for hours on end. 10 points to Neville!

Gryffindor: (YAYAY WINS!!!!!!!)

Harry: Well, back to my abusive relatives for the next three months. (almost twelve-year-old angst)

Ron: But now you can threaten them with magic!

Harry: … (grins evilly)

**END!**


	2. Chamber of Secrets

I know, I know, I should probably be updating "You're Going to Die, Brother" instead of this... but I've started procrastinating on that story too. Though that doesn't mean I won't finish it eventually! (FYI: Chapter 13 of that is written and so is part of Chapter 14, but I'm not posting anything until it's where I want it. I don't want to write myself into a corner again!) So in the meantime... enjoy "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets in 17 Minutes"! Think of it as my Christmas gift to all of you.

* * *

Vernon: Guess what? You don't exist today! 

Harry: (crying) _This is the worst birthday ever!!!!!!!_

Dobby: (popping up) Poor Harry Potter. Is he sad that his friends don't write to him?

Harry: OMG YES!!!!!! (sobs) Wait… who are you, how did you know that my friends hate me, and _how the bloody hell do you know my name?!?!?_

Dobby: Well, Harry Potter is quite famous…

Harry: OMG WTF I'M FAMOUS?!?!?!?

Dobby: Harry Potter learned that in the last book, remember? Anywho, I know the books are supposed to be about your magical education and all, but I really think you should play hooky this year!

Harry: Yeah, whatever, freaky elf. Please don't get me in trouble-

Pudding: (crash)

Vernon: That's it boy, I'm throwing you in the clink!

Harry: (swearing) Aw, _child abuse!_

---

Ron: (through bars on Harry's window) Oi Harry, I'm here to rescue you from your abusive relatives! And I brought Fred and George to keep me from screwing it up!

Fred and George: (wave) We're the comic relief!

Harry: Why should I listen to you, you neglectful, smelly, dirt-poor not-letter-writerer… -er?

Ron: … Because I'm here to rescue you from your abusive relatives…?

Harry: (scowls) Well fine. FINE. (escapes in flying car)

Mrs. Weasley: OMG RON YOU IDIOT, FLYING A CAR!!! THANK GOD FRED AND GEORGE WERE THERE TO SAVE YOUR SORRY ASS!!!!!!! Ok cool that was cathartic. Now let's go to Diagon Alley!

Harry: Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "Scary Sketchtastic Dark Magic Alley"!

Draco and Lucius: We are not suspicious at all!

Borgin: (points to them, the merchandise, and himself in turn) Foreshadowing! Foreshadowing! Foreshadowing!

Hagrid: Harry! What are you doing in this sketchy alley?! Only creepy people like me are allowed to hang out here! … I mean… er… go to the bookstore like a good little boy!

Harry: (walking obediently into bookstore) I have GOT to get less sketchy adult friends!

Lucius: (shows up at the bookstore) Why, hello, Mr. Weasley! You're looking rather poor and Muggle-loving today…

Mr. Weasley: (is badass)

Lucius: Oh darn, I got beat up by a bald guy. Here little girl, take this – cough cough – textbook!

Ginny: I am not at all suspicious of you, Mr. Malfoy!

Da Phoenix: (mutters) I'm _not_ going to say "foreshadowing," I'm _not_ going to say "foreshadowing"…

---

Ron: Yay, now let's go on the Hogwarts Express!

Platform 9 ¾: (is no longer magical?????)

Ron: Well, crap. Let's take the flying car instead!

Harry: But we're only 12! Our feet don't even reach the pedals yet!!!

(Ron and Harry sit on a phonebook so they can reach the accelerator)

Ron: You know, I wish that George was with us.

Harry: …Why, so he and Fred could save our asses, since this is clearly going to blow up in our faces?

Ron: No, silly! Because then he could sing: (sings) George, George, George of the Burrow…

Harry: (pointing frantically) WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE!!!!!!!

Ron: Exactly!

(they hit the Whomping Willow)

Ron: Heh, my bad.

Ford Anglia: Screw all y'all! (runs away to live in forest)

Snape: Too bad you didn't have Fred and George to save your asses this time, Potter and Weasley. Five hundred thousand points from Gryffindor!!!

Harry: A-hwhaaaaaa?

McGonagall: No, that's too extreme. Let's send them to plot-advancing detentions instead!

Snape: (grumbles) Oh, right, the _plot…_

---

Professor Sprout: Now pay attention to these Mandrakes, kids! They're a semi-important plot point!

Harry: (eyes glazing over) I hate Herbology…

Neville: (furiously taking notes) Well, I less than three it! Except the movies are going to make it look like I don't pay attention either, even though I'm teh Herbology Mastah.

(in Lockhart's class)

Lockhart: (kissing his reflection in a mirror) I'm famous for doing all kinds of crap when I'm really incompetent! But still… I'm so beautiful…

Hermione: (eyes turn into cartoon hearts) I'll say!

Ron: Hey! Hey, look at me! (Hermione ignores him) I'M PRETTIER THAN HE IS!!!

Hermione: Ronald, did you say something?

Ron: (prepubescent jealousy)

Harry: Ew, the cooties. Get a room, you two.

Malfoy: Speaking of sexual tension… Oi Potter, my Quidditch team's going to grind yours into the DUST! We have awesome brooms!

Slytherin team: (showing off Nimbus 2001s) Nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah nyeah!

Malfoy: (thumbing his nose) I hate you Potter, and your little Mudblood too!

Ron: Oh no he DI'INT! (whips out broken wand)

Slugs: BELCH!

Ron: Oh look, some belching slugs. Now as I was saying: _Eat slugs, Malfoy!_

Wand: (backfires)

Ron: (belches slugs)

Harry: Well, that went horribly awry.

Hagrid: Don't mind Malfoy, Hermione. He's just a prejudiced git, just like the rest of the truly evil people in this series!

J.K. Rowling: MORAL ALERT!

Ron: YOU TOTALLY STOLE MY LINES, HAGRID!!!! (burps out a slug)

Hagrid: Yeah, whatever. You could never come up with a line that profound on your own.

Ron: Except for the part… where I totally did…?

Hermione: Ha, maybe in the _book!_

Fans: I thought that "Harry Potter in 17 Minutes" was based in the books though…

Da Phoenix: Can I help it if I've seen the movie more recently? Plus abusing Ron is just too much fun to pass up. As much as I love him.

---

Lockhart: Harry, Harry, Harry. Can you imagine a better way to spend detention than helping me answer my fan mail?

Harry: Well, certainly not a more torturous one…

Voice: Doom doom death despair! I'ma kill some Muggleborns!

Harry: OMG WTF?!

Lockhart: Oh Harry, you so funny. Get out of here, you crazy kid!

Harry: Great. As if it wasn't enough that I'm a world-famous orphan with a homicidal maniac after him and several years of psychological scarring caused by child abuse… Now I'm going crazy too.

Ron: Done with detention? Me too! Except I burped slugs all over T.M. Riddle's trophy…

Harry: Yeah, great, whatever. Let's talk about me and my problems now!

Ron: Everyone ignores me!!! (cries)

Harry: Aww, that's not true, Donald. It's just that I'm more important! After all, it's _my _name on the front of the book…

---

Harry: Clean shoes are for pansies!

Filch: Harry Potter, you filthy Mud Boy!

Artemis Fowl in a brief cameo: Wha?

Filch: You deserve detention! You will be dragged by your ears to the dungeons, where a drunken me will be awaiting you, with a cactus and a croquet mallet…

(CRASH!!)

Filch: Dammit, Peeves! (runs off)

Filch/Peeves shippers: Yay!

Nearly-Headless Nick: I got Peeves to crash this Vanishing Cabinet to distract Filch! Now it's all smashed up…

Vanishing Cabinet: FORESHADOWING!!

Harry: Well, I'm sure that won't come back to bite us in the butt!

Nearly-Headless Nick: Nope, definitely not. Anyhoo, come to my deathday party! Because you're like, my only friend…

Harry: That's kind of pathetic. But okay!

Hermione: Why do Ron and I have to come too?

Harry: Because neither of you have any identity without me! …Well, John doesn't, anyway…

Ron: I hate you. And this is boring. Let's leave! (amazingly, they listen to him and do so)

Voice: Mwahahahahahaha!!!!

Harry: OMG WHAT?!?!? (chases voice)

Wall: THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS!!! NO DOGS OR MUDBLOODS ALLOWED…

Harry: OMG the Chamber of Secrets?!? That's like, the book title!

Mrs. Norris: (is Petrified)

Filch: (pointing dramatically at Harry) GUILTY!!!!

Harry: Nuh-UH!

Dumbledore: Filch, chill out, dawg. We can totally heal your cat with those Mandrakes!

Harry: Ohhhhhh, so THAT'S why they were a semi-important plot point!

---

Wood: (singing) Gotta, getcha, getcha head in the game! (waits for them to echo)

Gryffindor Quidditch Team: (doesn't respond)

Katie: Can we maybe just, like, get this Quidditch thing over with?

Wood: (scoff) Well FINE!

Harry: (reading _Quidditch for Dummies _on his broom) Good thing Hermione got me this book to help me learn what Quidditch is! Let's see, chapter 17: "How to Avoid a Homicidal Bludger"… psh, not like I'm ever going to need to know THAT!

Bludger: (is homicidal)

Harry: Oh SNAP! (flies away like a madman)

Malfoy: Training for the ballet, Potter? Because that's damn sexy…

Harry: Why thanks! (giggle) Mkay, let's see what this book says about "What to Do When You Fall in Love with the Enemy Seeker…"

Bludger: SMASH IN A MOMENT OF DISTRACTION!

Harry: Agh, my arm's broken! …Oh look, the Snitch! (catches)

Malfoy: Crap dammit, I can't even win against an INVALID!

Lockhart: I know how to fix your arm, Harry! (waves wand)

Bones: DISAPPEAR!

Harry: (screaming in a comical high-pitched voice) _I just hate you so much!_

Lockhart: Golly gee, thanks! (blush)

Madam Pomfrey: I'ma fix it! Good thing you go to a magic school…

Dobby: (pops up in the middle of the night) Harry Potter, why are you still here?! Dobby totally thought that stopping Harry Potter from coming to school would make him _not come to school_!

Harry: But… I love school!

Dobby: Nerd.

Harry: Wait, why are you doing all this crap that will probably get me killed?

Dobby: Because Dobby loves Harry Potter.

Harry: Riiiiiiight…

Dobby: Sometimes love hurts, Harry Potter. And Dobby loves Harry Potter… to DEATH.

Harry: Ya know, sometimes I just want to stab you with a random dagger…

Dobby: Yeah, like that'll ever happen. Foreshadowing foreshadowing plot exposition!

Harry: "Plot exposition"? Wow, that's a new one.

Colin: I'm Petrified!

Dumbledore: Sucks. Ominous statement!

---

Hermione: I gotta plan! Let's make a Polyjuice Potion!

Ron: A-hwhaaaaaaaa?

Hermione: No, it's the perfect plan! See, Malfoy's clearly the Heir of Slytherin since he's an immoral git who believes in genetic supremacy, right? He's a total Wizarding neo-Nazi, not like one-fourth of the school isn't already, so he's clearly the one attacking all these Muggleborns, because I don't like him! So all we have to do is disguise ourselves as his cronies he probably doesn't tell things to in order to get him to admit it to our faces!

Harry: …Couldn't we just force-feed him some Veritaserum?

Hermione: Don't be ridiculous. We don't know what that is yet. Plus how else are we going to find out about Polyjuice Potion?

Ron: We could just ask Snape what it is…

Harry: NO! Snape is EVIL!

Moaning Myrtle: (moans) Everyone hates me, nobody likes me, guess I'll go eat worms…

Harry: OK, save some of that angst for me in book 5!

---

Lockhart: You kids are all completely incompetent fighters, so I'M going to teach you how to duel!

Snape: This is SUCH a bad idea…

Lockhart: Nonsense, Snapeadoodle! We're just letting a bunch of kids kill each other, what's the harm in that?

Hermione: (getting strangled by Millicent Bulstrode) Help meeeeeeee!!

Snape: Meh, I see no difference. Now who's up for more romantic tension for Harry…?

Ginny: Stand back everyone, 'cause here I come! (stands up triumphantly)

Snape: …with Malfoy!!!

Ginny: (blinks in surprise)

Malfoy: (tough guy) Scared, Potter?

Harry: (macho) I just wet myself.

Malfoy: _Expelliarmus!_

Harry: Hmm, sounds like that could be a useful spell to defeat Voldemort with… whatever. _Ticklearmpitio!_

Malfoy: (giggling like the little girl he is) _Bigsnakeappeari__us!_ (a giant snake appears)

Harry: Hey, it's my old buddy from the zoo! How's Brazil?

Snake: Ssssss it makessssss me want to eat some Hufflepuffsssssss! (slithers toward Justin Finch-Fletchley)

Justin Finch-Fletchley: (cowering) Leave me alone! I'm just a Muggleborn! A little, gamy, Hufflepuff Muggleborn!

Harry: (to snake) Sing "La Cucaracha", like they do in Brazil! Pleeeeease?!

Snake: That sssssong'sssssss Mexican, you Philisssssstine. (slithers away in disgust)

Harry: Aw maaaaaaaan!! (runs over to Ron) Jean-Claude, I'm ignorant of Latin American culture!! (pouts)

Ron: …What, you're not more worried that you can talk to snakes?

Harry: But snakes are da BOMB! They're much more fun to talk to than, say, poor redheaded children…

Hermione: (comforting a sobbing Ron) Harry, I'm going to say this slowly so you can understand me. Talking. To snakes. Is weird.

Harry: Hey, don't knock it 'til you've tried it!

---

Hagrid: Yo Harry, what up? All my roosters have been mysteriously strangled!

Harry: Well, that's not creepy at all… (trips)

Nearly-Headless Nick: (is Petrified)

Justin Finch-Fletchley: (is Petrified too)

Harry: I didn't do it, dammit!

Dumbledore: Yeah, I know. But do you have something you want to _tell me?_

Harry: Um… well, yes, actually… I'm not gay, so could you tell Da Phoenix to stop pairing me with Malfoy?

Dumbledore: Don't be ridiculous Harry, it's a running gag. You have to keep getting paired with him, for the greater good… of the parody. And speaking of phoenixes, I happen to have a pet one! He's a major plot point!

Fawkes: (wheeze)

Harry: That's, um, great…

---

Hermione: Da Polyjuice Potion is ready!!!

Harry: Ok fine whatever. Let's get this over with!

(they all take the potion)

Hermione: Holy crap, I screwed up and I'm supposed to be the smart one! Guess it's up to you two…

Harry and Ron: (a la Spongebob) We're ready! (bolt)

Hermione: (sigh) Rabble rousers…

Malfoy: Crabbe, Goyle, there you are! Ooh Goyle, you're looking really sexy today… have you done something with your hair?

Harry/Goyle: (deadpan) No Malfoy… um, Draco. (sighs and glares at Da Phoenix)

Ron/Crabbe: So yeah, what's up with that Heir of Slytherin?

Malfoy: I dunno, but whoever he is, he's one cool kid! Maybe someday I'll join his band of merry men and try to kill the Headmaster!

Harry/Goyle: Was that more foreshadowing?

Malfoy: Probably. Hey, I bet I know why you look so hot today… you've got a scar on your head, just like Potter's! (eyes turn into cartoon hearts)

Harry/Goyle: (grabbing forehead) Oh CRAP! (he and Ron/Crabbe leave and turn back into themselves)

Ron/Just Ron: Well, that was a complete waste of time.

Harry: Well, who knows? Maybe Polyjuice Potion will be a major plot point in like, fourth year or something…

(both burst out laughing)

Harry: Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.

---

Moaning Myrtle: WHY DO PEOPLE THROW THINGS AT ME?!?!?

Harry: What? All the cool kids are doing it! (throws a kumquat at her head)

Hermione: How did you even get a kumquat in here?!

Harry: Ask Quillandink97. It was her stupid idea.

Ron: (picking up a little black book) Guys, look at what I found!

Harry: OMG!! Someone dropped the numbers of hundreds of hot babes!!! SCORE!

Ron: No no no, it's someone's smelly old diary that they tried to flush down a toilet! (flips it over) And it's T.M. Riddle's diary!!!!

Hermione: Who?

Ron: You know, that guy whose trophy I slugified in detention.

Harry: Is THAT what you were whining about all that time ago?

Ron: You know, one of these days I'm just going to ditch you in the middle of a random forest. THEN YOU'LL BE SORRY!!!

Hermione: Focus, Ronald! We need to think about the Chamber of Secrets plotline right now.

Harry and Hermione: (sing) Now's the time to think, think, think. Everybody now, think, think, thiiiiiiiink!!

Ron: (facepalm) Why must everything in this book be up to me?

Harry: Nothing is, dumbo. I'M the hero in this series!!! (poses heroically)

Ron: (starts plotting his grand escape from Harry's abusive relationship)

---

Harry: OK T.M. Riddle, let's read all your deep dark secrets!

Diary: (is blank)

Harry: Well, fiddlesticks. Guess I'll just use the diary to write all my own deep dark secrets in!! (writing) Dear Diary, Malfoy looked at me again today. How I wish…

Diary: (writing back) Yeah, that's great, kid. Let me grossly misguide you now!

Harry: Sweet! (enters the memory)

_Tom: Look at me, I'm such an innocent source of information! I've definitely never done anything wrong, like kill my dad and grandparents and frame my retarded uncle for it!_

_Dippet: I __trust you completely__, Tom. But that Hagrid kid, he's bad news!_

_Tom: I know, right? Let's expel him, because he's obviously the Heir of Slytherin… you know, being in Gryffindor and all…_

_Dippet: __That idea's so good, you should get a big shiny trophy for it!_

_Tom: Ok!! Just as long as it doesn't get slugified by some poor redheaded kid in like, fifty years…_

_Hagrid: But Aragog ain't never harmed nobody! He's a good acromantula, always cleans his spiderweb…_

_Dippet: Don't care! (expels him)_

Harry: (coming out of memory) Holy crap! I should have been more suspicious of Hagrid from the beginning!

Hermione: Yeah, remember what he was doing at the beginning of the book?

Harry: OMG yeah, he was in the Scary Sketchtastic Dark Magic Alley… on _purpose!!_

Ron: Don't you think you're overreacting…

Harry: NO! Tom Riddle is COMPLETELY TRUSTWORTHY, mkay?! I'm going to believe him, rather than my sketchy adult friend I've known for two years.

Ron: Hermione, isn't this the part where you say you shouldn't believe everything you read?

Hermione: Well, to be honest, Hagrid's always creeped me out. So, you go ahead and try to be the voice of reason in this group…

(she and Harry burst out laughing)

Ron: (glares) You'll see. You'll ALL see!!!!

---

Wood: (singing) We're simply, having, a wonderful Quidditch time!

McGonagall: Wood, you're not Paul McCartney or Zac Efron, you know. (Wood scowls) Anyway, I've got bad news, kids.

Gryffindor Quidditch Team: (simultaneously) Oh no! What is it?

McGonagall: Hermione and some random Ravenclaw girl have been Petrified.

Gryffindor Quidditch Team: (simultaneously gasp) What will we DO?

McGonagall: (defeated) I don't know. (walks away)

Harry: Holy crap Ron! Now how are we going to figure out this Chamber of Secrets mystery?

Ron: You remembered my name?! Well, who needs a smelly girl like Hermione anyway? We've got plenty of brains between the two of us to figure things out!

Surrounding People: (laugh hysterically)

Ron: Oh, they're right. We're so screwed.

Harry: Here, I'll show you what Tom Riddle told me, just so you believe me…

Diary: (has been mysteriously stolen)

Ron: Wow, our room's so messy, it looks like Hurricane Ginny blew through here…

Harry: Hurricane what?

Ron: Eh, I'll tell you when you're older… anyway, it's probably NOT IMPORTANT, since it's something I have to say…

Harry: Yeah, you're probably right.

Ron: Did you miss the _SARCASM _there?!?!?

Harry: I must have…

---

(In the dead of night, Harry and Ron sneak to Hagrid's cabin)

Hagrid: (opens door) Um, now's not a good time, kids… now's when Hagrid runs his red light business…

Harry: But we wanted to ask you if you're the one Petrifying everyone!!

Ron: Though I'm not sure whether that's worse than your prostitution ring or not…

Hagrid: (not listening) That's great, kids. But listen up, right now I'm keeping an eye out for the feds, so you might want to skedaddle…

Fudge: Too late! (Harry and Ron vanish under Invisibility Cloak) Hagrid, I'ma take you to Azkaban for being supremely creepy.

Dumbledore: Well now, that's not very nice!

Lucius: (pops up) Yeah, and Dumbledore, we decided to sack you for being a spacey old guy who lets your students get attacked by some random monster I know _nothing about_!

Dumbledore: (looking right at invisible Harry and Ron) Significant statement! (leaves with Lucius)

Hagrid: Um… yeah… I can leave with a significant statement too! Spiders spiders spiders! (Fudge forces him out the door, but he pokes his head back in) And feed my frickin' dog, people who aren't in the room! (leaves again)

Harry: Well, that settles it.

Ron: That settles what?

Harry: You heard what our possibly homicidal, probably pedophilic, definitely creepy adult friend said. We have to follow the spiders!

Ron: But… spiders are _nasty!_

Harry: (whining) But Hagrid saaaaaaaaaaaiddddd!!!

Ron: (sigh) All right, _fine._ Just _shut up._

(they stupidly wander into the forest after some time, following the frickin' spiders)

Aragog: (inexplicable Australian accent) Hello food – I mean, friends.

Harry: (cheerily) Well hi!

Aragog: M'name's Aragog! (holds out leg for Ron to shake, who doesn't take it) 'S all right, I understand. Why trust a spider, right? (shoots web at them but misses) Mwahahahahaha!

Harry: All right cool that was creepy. So, are you the monster in the Chamber of Secrets, or what?

Aragog: Boy are you stupid. I live in a clearing in the Forbidden Forest, not a Chamber of Secrets!

Harry: Oh, you're right. LOL. How could I get so mixed up? XD

Aragog: I really… don't know. Now prepare to be eaten!

Flying Car: Not today!! (saves them)

Harry: Golly gee whillikers, thanks, flying turquoise Ford Anglia! Will I ever see you again?

Flying Car: No. (drives away)

Ron: (shouting after it) But you were supposed to be more foreshadowing!! We haven't said the word "foreshadowing" in like five whole pages!

Harry: So… Hagrid's definitely not the Heir of Slytherin either!

Ron: Though he's still really creepy.

Harry: Well, yes.

---

(Harry and Ron visit Hermione in the hospital)

Ron: (sniffle sniffle) Oh girl-type person, how I miss you and your nagging smartness!

Harry: Yeah… (notices hand) OMG, she's got some paper in her hand! (gets it out)

Paper: _Dear Harry and Ron,_

_You're so lucky I had the foresight to put a clue in my hand before I got Petrified! This way, I'm still the brains behind your operations! Anyhoozits, the monster is a frickin' basilisk, ok?! Harry, that means "giant snake using the plumbing to get around the school that hisses apparently murderous things out of the shadows and freaks out all the spiders". And Ron, get that dirt off your nose, it's been there since the first day of first year._

_Love, Hermione XOXOXO_

Harry: The mystery is solved, thanks to this meddling bookworm! We've got to tell someone about this!! (both run and hide in staffroom)

McGonagall: I've got bad news, staff members.

Hogwarts Faculty: (simultaneously) Oh no! What is it?

McGonagall: (to Da Phoenix) Oh HELL NO! We are _not _doing this bit again!

Da Phoenix: Can I help it if Potter Puppet Pals fits so perfectly into this story?

McGonagall: Anyway, I seriously do have bad news. Someone put more Chamber of Secrets-type graffiti on the walls.

Filch: (punching a fist into his hand) Damn hooligans!

Sprout: What's it say this time?

McGonagall: Let's see… (reading) _I'm like, totally going into the Chamber of Secrets to die! LOL! Love, Ginny Weasley._

Ron: Not my little sister!!!! She's supposed to marry Harry in a cheesy epilogue after book seven!!

Harry: I bet Lockhart can save her!

Ron: Weren't you paying any attention? He's incompetent!

Harry: (scoffs) Oh Xavier, you're just jealous of his m4d DADA sk1llz. (marches off to find Lockhart)

Ron: …"Xavier"? (follows)

Lockhart: (packing office) Heh heh, yeah, I really don't know what I'm doing. Surprise!

Harry: But… but you wrote all those shiny, shiny books!

Lockhart: Yeah, the shiny books lied. Now time to erase your memory, since that's the one thing I _can_ do! (raises wand)

Harry: _Expelliarmus!_ (Lockhart loses his wand) Wow, I'm good at that spell. Now let's go to the Chamber of Secrets to rescue the damsel in distress!

Moaning Myrtle: If you die down there, you can come live with me, Harry! (eyes turn into cartoon hearts)

Harry: (muttering) Why is it that all the really weird characters are in love with me?

(they all go down to the Chamber)

Lockhart: Time for me to screw up my life! (tries to do a spell with Ron's conveniently BROKEN WAND)

(OMG the walls cave in and trap Ron and Lockhart away from the action!!!!!)

Harry: And once again, it is all up to me!! (ties on his Superman cape)

---

(Ginny is lying on the ground, unconscious)

Harry: OMG Ginny!!!!! Please don't die; you're supposed to have my poorly-named babies!!

Tom: Hiya Harry. You know, she's probably going to die, since I'm busy sucking the life out of her.

Harry: You FIEND! If I didn't know better, I'd say you were the bad guy in the story!!!

Tom: Well DUH. I'm the Heir of Slytherin, you know.

Harry: Le gasp! I _never_ saw this coming!!

Tom: Oh and by the way, Lord Voldemort's the Heir of Slytherin.

Harry: (thinks hard) You mean… Voldemort's your EVIL TWIN?!?

Tom: Maybe this will make it clear for you. (spells name in the air and rearranges letters to I AM LORD VOLDEMORT) Get it?

Harry: No… I can't read, see. That's what I have Hermione for…

Tom: _I grow up to be Lord Voldemort, retard._

Harry: Ohhhhhhh, ok! (grins with realization)

Tom: Whatever, I'm bored talking to you. Heeeeeeeere snakey snakey snakey!

Basilisk: (comes)

Fawkes: Wait, the cavalry's here!! (drops Sorting Hat at Harry's feet)

Harry: Thanks, but now's actually the worst possible time for me to have an identity crisis…

Sorting Hat: Take the frickin' sword, fooel!

Harry: Mkay! (stabs the basilisk through the mouth) Agh, one of the poison fangs went into my arm!!

Tom: Haha, now you're dead for sure!

Fawkes: Notta chance! (cries over Harry's dead body)

Harry: Whoa, I'm cured! (sees diary) You know, I never finished that diary entry… but since I have no pen, I'll just have to write about my undying love for Malfoy with this bloody fang! (presses too hard on page, stabbing the diary)

Tom: Cuuuuuuuuuuuuuurse youuuuuuuuuuu… (fades away… or, you know, explodes if you watch the movie…)

Diary: I'm not a Horcrux anymore! Um, foreshadowing!

Ginny: (wakes up) OMG Harry, you saved me! (eyes turn into cartoon hearts)

Harry: Yeah, get in line, sister. (carries her out of Chamber)

Ginny: Hey, I can walk by myself, you know! (Harry ignores her)

Ron: Yay, you saved her! And Lockhart lost his memory!

Harry: w00t!

(they all fly out on Fawkes)

Mr. and Mrs. Weasley: Yay, you saved Ginny!

Dumbledore: But in the process, you broke eleventy billion school rules… I'd expel you if you weren't Harry Potter and his best friend! (Harry and Ron hang their heads) But since you are, you both get trophies and eleventy billion and ONE points for Gryffindor!!

Harry: Sweet!

Ron: It was all me!

Harry: No it wasn't, Seamus. Now be quiet.

Lucius: (enters with – dun dun DUN! – Dobby) Harry Potter, I can't believe you defeated my brilliant plan to frame a Weasley for attacking half the school using Voldemort's old diary!!

Dumbledore: What?

Lucius: Um… never mind.

Dobby: MASTER IS GUILTY!!!!!

Lucius: Shut up, Dobby!

Harry: Lucius Malfoy, you suck. You're only fit for washing my filthy, disgusting socks! (hands him one)

Lucius: Nice try, but that's what I have Dobby for! (gives Dobby the sock)

Dobby: DOBBY IS FREE!!!!!!!

Lucius: Crap.

Dobby: Harry Potter rocks my sock! (vanishes)

Dumbledore: So… way to go, Harry! And guess what? You pulled out the sword of Gryffindor from the Sorting Hat, which means that red really IS your color!

Sword of Gryffindor: FORESHADOWING!

Dumbledore: And now all the Petrified people are back to normal! Er… nugget of wisdom!

Ginny: Oh yeah, and Percy has a girlfriend, that random Ravenclaw girl who got Petrified.

Percy: That's right, fanfiction authors: _I'm not gay!!_

Wood: (walks away dejectedly with a bouquet of roses)

Harry: And once again, the day is saved, thanks to… _the Powerpuff Girls!_ Er, I mean… me.

* * *

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!!! I'd be really happy if you'd leave some reviews (with ribbons on them, of course) under my Christmas tree... 


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